Oh, Those Childhood Christmas Memories

As a kid, I have a number of Christmas memories. Definitely one of middle-class privilege.

On Christmas Eve, we'd get dressed up (which I came to despise) and go to church down the street. I never understood why we had to wear our "fancy" clothes, which meant frilly dresses and hair bows. Even though the church was close by, we would whine about how cold it was still in the van. Ma or Mom would remind us that the temperature needed to raise up.

Church would be filled with a brief sermon, but mostly holiday carols by the choir. We also would have small individual candles. One year, one of our hair caught on fire from the candle and due to our long, black hair. I'd never smelled burning hair before that. We'd see our school friends also all dressed up and looking forward to presents.

Either before or after church, we would drive around different neighborhoods and look at the lights. We would do our neighborhood, and then if there was time - go the "right" neighborhood of Geist. Surely, they would have even better lights. And they did.

Then, we'd come back home and change into our pajamas, which were usually matching and we had gotten to open the night before. Ma would make hot cocoa for us. Then, we'd come down to the living room to open the presents we had wrapped for each other. We each took turns so we could see what each other got and Mom could take photos. At the end, we'd gather up all the Christmas wrapping trash. Maybe we'd open the things and put in the batteries of things that needed batteries. Then, up we go to bed so Santa (i.e., Ma and Mom) could do their work.

For most of our childhood we had a real tree. Ma and Mom would go to a tree farm and get one fresh. We would use the metal tree stand/bucket that my Grandfather made. Kim and I would have to take turns water the tree so it wouldn't get dry and thus the lights start a fire. (These were the cautionary tales I heard as a kid.)

We've been told we were pretty good kids. We wouldn't sneak out of bed or anything like that. Often, Ma and Mom would have to yell to get us up, because we were still in bed and sleepy. But eventually, we'd make our way downstairs. We'd have to wait on the landing of the stairs until Mom was ready with her camera. Then, when she was ready, we could go down the hallway and into the living room to see the Santa presents and also get our stockings, which often turned out to be a big present in and of itself.

The stocking - in our house - not only had candy, but a variety of pragmatic toiletries. A new toothbrush, cotton balls, toothpaste, and anything else small and slender that could fit. Peanuts with the shell were used as filler along with the holiday candy.

By noon, we had moved to the dining room and put all of our candy in a large, metal bowl. I'm sure Ma made something for Christmas Day lunch. I love you Ma and Mom. Thanks for all the Christmas-es you gave us.

We had a great Christmas as kids. We got many presents and Ma and Mom really did want us to have what they didn't have when they were little. I think they really loved shopping and giving. And as much as I'm sure I loved the toys and material things, now as an adult, I find it hard to think of really anything  I would want. Sure, there'd be some small little things or books, but even those things, I know I could do without. As an adult and as someone who is trying to pair down and simplify, I would much rather enjoy time with friends and families with a movie, theater, or art exhibit. Making breakfast or brunch - and just hanging out.

Breakfast light, well, kind of

I love the morning light that comes in the dining room in the apartment.

Well, I should rephrase, it's more like the early afternoon light

About 1 or 2 p.m.

It's light enough but still with enough contrast to have shadows.

Today, I had my camera out and decided to take a few pictures of the things around me.

The photo above was my finished breakfast plate - cinnamon waffles, crumbs, fork, and knife.

It's from my vantage point of where I usually sit at the table.

Near the heater.

By the window.

The kitchen light behind me.

The standing light to the back right.

This is the place where I studied most of the time.

When I didn't want to be standing at my desk.

This photo of the ivy is what I see to my left. I played with the f-stop to get what I wanted. Still to see outside, and not have the background be blown out white from the strong light. The ivy now looks such like a rich and dark green.

I usually don't do a lot of still life photography. To me, I miss the people in the photo. The human part. However, I'm coming to understand that the still life images do still have the people and human aspect. There are still traces of the people who live here - myself and my current spouse.

it's not a heart attack

it's not a heat attack

maybe a heart ache

a heart sadness

but I'm doubtful it's

anything to do with veins and arteries

possibly a pulled muscle

or stress

but no shortness of breath

or pain in the arm

like you see in the movies

i've felt it before

i try and keep track

when i feel it

is it when i'm sad

stressed

lonely

angry

i wouldn't blame my heart

to ache once and awhile

it deserves to feel that way

the heart does not look

like the commercialized

red and symmetrical

heart we know 

from the cards and candies

to me, the heart looks

icky and odd

something you can hold in your hand

but globular and dark purple

pumping blood

in and out

to the rest of your body

the place where i used to

place my hand on

during the pledge of allegiance 

or the raising of the flag

haven't done that for awhile

not since i was a kid at least

is it sad because of our

upcoming parting ways?

is it angry because

of the untenable situation

with mom?

is it aching because 

there seems so often to be

no relief in sight?

how did it feel when i ran

my first 5K

the last mile 

the last 1/2 mile

the last 1/4 mile 

was the hardest

i pushed my body 

more than i ever had

and i thought if i die now

at least it would be for a 

good cause

will finding a new love

help my heart

they say people have actually died

from a broken heart

i can believe it

but mine is not quite broken

more hurt and in need for

recovery and healing

Aldis, Ma, and Canned Goods

I first remember hearing about Aldis (yes- the real name is Aldi, but somehow people add the "s," and I'm not the only one) from Ma when I was little. Aldis was the place where Ma went to get cheap canned goods. We had to bring a quarter for the carts and also we had to go during the daylight, because they were in the "not so good" neighborhoods of Indianapolis. Looking back, this was code for poor and probably black neighborhoods.

Ma would stock up on things like canned corn, canned green beans, and maybe some other things that come in a jar. As a kid, I didn't understand how we'd put in a quarter for the cart, and then be able to get it back at the end. This was not the culture at the "other" grocery stores - like Kroger or Marsh. I don't remember bringing our own bags, so we probably used one of their cardboard boxes or maybe sucked it up and bought the 10 cent bag.

Now in my adult life, Aldis is a regular trip for me (between also Trader Joe's and a Morse Market). I smile when I see the German phrases on the frozen food cabinet, "Ziehen, sich an" or "Druecken." I wonder if the other customers know of the German heritage of Aldis? You just don't see a lot of German now in Chicago. (I was a German major in college and had studied German since 6th grade - so I have a fondness toward the culture and language.)

Today, I went to Aldis because we were drastically low on toilet paper, and I also wanted to get some chocolate and candy for Christmas. It was a busy Sunday afternoon. Nearly all the carts were gone, but I got lucky and had one. I spent more than I had expected - 100% maple syrup, three packages of TP, mini-chocolate bars, almond milk, and Christmas candy. It adds up fast.

I think of Ma and wonder if she's smiling down from me. Knowing that she had introduced me to Aldis way back when. And now what might have been the audience for lower socio-economic class, one finds college kids and the middle class shopping along next to each other. One sees familiar faces and new faces (you can tell, because they didn't bring their own bags nor a quarter).

I love you, Ma for so many reasons. And just one of them was that you took me to Aldis.

Caring for/Caring about

How drastically different a phrase can be from just one word.
One word.

For me right now, I think of - "caring for" and "caring about." This was recently brought up. I hadn't thought about it too much, but as I'm transition of separating from my current spouse, the phrase does mean something more to me now.

Will we care about each other after we are divorced?
Yes, I hope so. I hope I will share with him any major life happenings. The death of a family member. The birth of a baby. Someone moving. A trip. These things that are just FYI.

But, we won't be caring for each other anymore.
We won't have the additional step when you're partnered to "do something" with the knowledge of the other person.

I was asked, "Do you think you'll still talk to each other after the divorce?"
I think so, but it will be less frequent and obviously different.
I already feel like I'm trying to do the balance of keeping separate, but also together, since we're still living together, but separate.

Some nights I miss him so much, even when he's only eight feet away in the next room. I didn't think we could be even more emotionally separate than we had been in the past year, but I was wrong. And then there's the physical intimacy, too - and not just sex. What I miss the most is the cuddling in bed or on the couch. This makes me really sad to have lost this. I loved his warm chest. His arm around me until I was falling asleep and I would turn over. Or, also "twitch" as he would say. I'd be warm with him.

My Ring Tan Line is Gone

It took almost 11 years
To get a ring tan
And only two months
For it to fade away

To my darker skin
I got after being
On the beach so much
This summer

It wasn't on purpose
I didn't really think
About it
All that much

I didn't get to say
Goodbye to it
Take a picture of it
Kiss it one last time

Vegan Sandwich Recipe

I recently at at Royal Cafe and tried their vegetarian sandwich. Yummy!!! I thought I could try it myself so here's what I got...

- Bag of lentils
- Bag of chick peas
- Spinach
- Carrots
- Onion
- Potatoes
- Tomato paste

I'll do a veggie broth using the boullion cubes and thicken it up with corn starch. I'll add the potatoes first I think, then the rest. Do the spinach last. I think it should just cook about 30 minutes. Then, served on a bun.

I'm making it for my Ed class, so hopefully it will be yummy! I'll definitely taste as I go- like all decent chefs.

Wish me luck!

But I Still Miss

His kiss good night
When he hears me pull
My lamp string

His kiss good bye
Which has been my morning
Wake up alarm

Snuggling on the couch
My head in his lap
His arm on my shoulder

Finding just the right position
Where we're both comfortable

Making sure I drink water
Eat fruit

I mourn these small
Losses
That sometimes don't feel small
But gigantic

Recipe for Spicy Moca Smoothie

I recently had this at an overpriced cafe, and thought - hey, I could do this myself. So thought I would share. You can use a blender, or a cool thing is to use a standard size mason jar. This size jar should fit your blender's base and metal whirly gig thing. Just do the recipe, blend, and drink!

Ingredients:

Spicy, hot cocoa mix - $6
Bananas - $1.00
Some kind of milk product - soy, almond, rice, coconut are all choices - $2.75-3.50
Peanut butter (or any kind - almond or soy butter) - $3

1. Fill about 3/4 full with your milk product in blender or standard mason jar.
2. Add a heaping spoonful of spicy, hot cocoa mix
3. One mini banana (or half a full one)
4. Peanut butter - a spoonful

You can always add more cocoa mix to your desired taste and sweetness.

For the cost of a small $7 smoothie, doing it yourself will be a much better value!

I No Longer Care

if he drinks beer
has a job
or doesn't have a job
what he says to others

if i stay out at an event
without him
eat dinner
without him
use my toys
without him

we're no longer
together
i'm not responsible
or representing
him
and he of me

i feel lighter
and freer
there are now
new possibilities

Back to the Office

The office walls
University halls
With no windows and light
A flee or fight

A confinement of days
Monitoring your ways
Tick tock tick tock
The timing of the clock

Industrial carpet beneath your feet
Fake wood your hands meet
Office lighting above your head
The daily, small talk you dread

You mourn your time from summer now
Where did it go, then and now
Time moves on and can't look back
Summer is dead, fall is black

Ode to the End of Summer

No more bright sunny days
Instead, the four, windowless walls
Standing at a computer
Instead of standing with rocks and sand
Between my toes

Summer, I'm sorry I did not
Earlier appreciate you
I took you for granted
I thought you were just
Hotter days of fall

I fell in love
With the water
And the sound of the tides
When I would put my ear to the beach

I turned three shades darker
Not knowing how much
Browner a
Brown girl could get

I queered the beach
When people called my
Boy, son, or Mister
I let it roll of of me, like the tides

I tried reading some
But mostly failed when I fell asleep
The harsh sun was not friendly
To the pages

Thank you summer
For teaching me more
Than I have ever learned
See you next year, but earlier

Big Waves

The waves today were usually big and thunderous today. I had never seen them so large and break on the beach. I don't know much about tides, etc. But something was definitely different today. For the first time this summer, I found myself neck high in the lake. The cool water was refreshing as it's lately been sunny, hot and humid.

As the waves rolled in, I found myself jumping the waves, like I used to when I was little and my family would go to Florida. I realize I like the lake water more than the ocean. There's something claiming that Lake Michigan is bounded by land, plus - no worry about sharks.

Then, as I laid on the beach, I could still hear the waves hit against the sand. It was calming and consistent.

The Gauntlet of Crossed Legs

You enter the train and make your decision to turn left or right. You decide, only to find yourself faced with what I call, the “Gauntlet of Crossed Legs.” Typically, the women who comprise this gauntlet are clueless, because they have earbuds in. Possibly one realizes how she’s taking up space, but the others remain.

In my head, I take a breath and give out a warrior yell – “Aiyeee!” Then, I rage through the crossed legs hitting them all with no apologies. Some may give a “gruff” or a look, but others continue about their ignorance and don’t seem to care about the bump.

But, in reality, I usually wind myself around – getting to the open seat or space.

Why do I get so pissed off about this?

I think it’s because 1) crossing your legs is so gendered in the US as female, and 2) the train is public, common space and usually crowded anyway. People – please be considerate of others and share the space! People putting their feet up on the seats or using more than one seat also gets my blood to a boil.

10 Ways Not to Look Like a Tourist on the CTA (or how not to be rude)

1. Walk and stand in the middle of the train

2. Get up one stop before you have to leave

3. Don’t put your feet on the seat

4. Take up only one seat

5. Don’t put on your make up on the train

6. If you have to eat or drink, then clean up after yourself

7. Know which side the doors are going to open; I know this can be confusing, because it does change

8. If using earbuds, still be able to hear others, when they say something to you

9. Don’t try and take a bike on the CTA during the rush hours

10. Uncross your legs when someone wants to pass, whether the train is crowded or not. It’s just being polite.

"How Long Will My Soul..."

It was a night filled with many of the lesbian, bi, and queer women of Chicago. My friend and I entered the line that went around the corner of The Vic, an old music venue in the heart of the Lakeview neighborhood off the Belmont eL stop. It had been years since I went to a music concert. I felt old (for a little bit), because then I clearly saw folks older than me.

I tried to remember how I even got introduced to the Indigo Girls? College? I pictured their albums that I had on both CD and cassette tape. They were on tour because they had a new album. Had no idea, and unfortunately didn’t get to hear their new songs before the concert, but that was okay.

The concert was sold out and at first we went the first floor standing area. But, I checked out the second floor seating area and we moved up there. The vantage point wasn’t that bad, and we both liked the idea of sitting for the next three hours rather than standing.

Skimming the crowd, there were a lot more men and seemingly “straight” couples than I thought. Randomly, I saw two people I knew, and even a person I see regularly in my neighborhood up north. Various assumptions ran through my head – all I knew were probably wrong, but still stereotypically funny. Here are a few.

Assumptions of Those in Attendance at the Indigo Girls Concert

1. They do or have slept with women.

2. They are nice.

3. They are wearing Birkenstocks or sandals.

4. They care about the environment.

5. They drink beer, not wine.

6. They have two labs.

The opening act was a surprise, in that I had a CD by Michelle Malone. I probably got it years ago when I heard the Indigo Girls, also. Malone seems to open for them often. She was very country and fun. I couldn’t tell whether she was wearing cowboy boots or gardening boots.

An hour later, we then found ourselves anxiously waiting for the main attraction to begin! And soon enough, they did. They played a lot of their newer songs, but then ended with the older and more familiar ones like Galilelo and Closer to Fine. They gave one encore performance, but we couldn’t get them for a second. The lights slowly turned on and we headed for the train.

10 Ways I'm Trying to Be Eco Friendly

A few years ago, I decided to be more mindful about the environment and my part. Of course being on a budget, I couldn't do everything I wanted, but here's a few things that are fairly simple and cheap.

1. Using Bar Soap
I had use liquid body wash, but then I thought about all the plastic it uses. So, I decided to switch to bar soap. It's actually cheaper and lasts longer. It still has packaging, but at least it's not plastic container.

2. Glass Water Bottle
This not only is great for the environment, but it saves you easily $2 each time you refill! In Chicago, there's a water bottle tax, too. If you can get in the habit of bringing an empty one along wherever you go, it will save so much money! At conferences, they usually have a water station. At movie theaters, they usually have a drinking fountain. Less sugary soda to consume while you still indulge in movie theater popcorn! Here are places I know in Chicago that usually have free water fountains - usually found near the restrooms:

• Chicago Cultural Center
• Chicago Public Libraries
• Target stores
• Colleges and universities buildings
• Park district buildings and beaches
• Movie theaters
• Millennium Park
• Coffeehouses
• Lotus Cafe, Ghareeb Nawaz, Powell's Bookstore in University Village

3. Your Own Coffee Mug

Similar to the idea of your own water bottle, by bringing your own coffee mug to conferences or workshops, you'll save money, but also, usually be able to get more coffee than the small, plastic cups they provide. Some coffeehouses will even give you a small discount if you bring your own mug.

4. Own shopping bag

This is a no brainer, but I will say that I have a few and not all are created equal. Especially in the winter, I have one that actually was a gift and I think is a baby bag. The great thing is it's a heavy weatherproof bag, so when I have to set it down in the snow or wet pavement, it's fine. I have another bag that zips. I like this one because once on public transit my wallet was taken from a bag. Another great bag is one of the large, blue Ikea bags. This is great for toilet paper and other large, but light stuff. Lastly, I do like to carry around the cheaper and thinner bags in my backpack. Sometimes I plan for a grocery trip, and other times I don't. So if I carry one around all the time - it's there. Also, I keep one at work.

5. Recycling Pens, Sharpies

This could be harder, but at my university, the library has a depository that collects pens, highlighters,  and sharpies. All I have to do is save them and then bring them once and awhile to campus.

6. Sensitive Paper Shredding and Recycling

I have my own small shredder, but over the years I was finding I had a lot of paper that would take time and effort. At least in the Chicago area, I found Midway Moving Company that hosts free community shredding events. Usually, these are organized by your Ward's Alderman. They will shred it on site with a huge truck and then they recycle it.

Here's the link: http://midwaymoving.com/shred-a-thon/

7. Dry Erase Calendar

Instead of a paper calendar, think about using a dry erase calendar. This works especially if you don't need an archive of the calendar. However, if you do - you could always take a photo of the month to archive it.

8. Bullhorn with Rechargeable Battery

Think about spending another $10 with your bullhorn so you can get one with a rechargeable battery. This is great for environment, cheaper, and lighter, too! I got one from Pyro off of Amazon for about $50. Batteries are heavy and expensive.

9. Lunch Bag

I know some people use brown paper bags or reuse the plastic bag, but why not get a pretty cheap heavier lunch bag? One that can be washed or cleaned out easily. There's tons of options here - flat square ones, taller ones, and ones that zip or have a clasp. Definitely around August and September, there's a lot of them because of back to school season.

10. Divvy Bike

A few years ago Chicago got a bike share program called Divvy. Because I'm a student, I got a $20 discount for an annual membership. While I was usually using it between campuses, when the stations got extended, I now can do Divvy a lot more. And, it's much better to do the annual membership, because the 24 hour pass just increased to $10!

These are my top 10, so hope it helps. I'll try and post more when I think of them.

A Day at the Race Tracks - Arlington Race Track

I’ve never really wanted to go to a racetrack before, but I had the chance to go, so I took it. Just getting to Arlington Race Track is a different experience, since you either have to drive or take the Metra (the suburban commuter line). Going from Ogilvie Station reminded me of my college days. There were still the blue, “pleather” (plastic and leather) seats that flip. The Weekend Pass had gone up from $5 to $8, but still not bad.

About one hour later from downtown, we reached the track and found our way around. I’ve never gone to other tracks so I can’t compare, but it seemed like the ones on TV. The private party had a tent, but also a patio and entryway to a grassy area where you could get fairly close to the track.

There’s a variety of races – almost one every fifteen minutes to keep people engaged. You could place a bet with a person or at a self-serve station. I didn’t place any bets. Guess I wasn’t feeling lucky.

The lush green grass was soft and a nice natural playground for the kids running back and forth. We joked that we should place bets on them. A cute little Asian girl in a summer dress and hair in pigtails stood out. She was with her dad.

It was fun, and would go back again if friends really wanted to. Otherwise, I can check it off my “Illinois’ Bucket List.” Go #6!

Beach Day #7

Newly raked sand

Only joggers and dog walkers

Are around this early

I’m surprised

There’s so many people out

I’m not used to being out

I’m gaining so much more

Time getting up early

What a concept

I think of the days

I’d sleep until noon

Or take naps at 2 p.m.

They were nice

But the lost time

Can never be regained

Maybe that’s why older people

Wake up so early

They want to spend more time awake

Before they die.