But I Still Miss

His kiss good night
When he hears me pull
My lamp string

His kiss good bye
Which has been my morning
Wake up alarm

Snuggling on the couch
My head in his lap
His arm on my shoulder

Finding just the right position
Where we're both comfortable

Making sure I drink water
Eat fruit

I mourn these small
Losses
That sometimes don't feel small
But gigantic

Recipe for Spicy Moca Smoothie

I recently had this at an overpriced cafe, and thought - hey, I could do this myself. So thought I would share. You can use a blender, or a cool thing is to use a standard size mason jar. This size jar should fit your blender's base and metal whirly gig thing. Just do the recipe, blend, and drink!

Ingredients:

Spicy, hot cocoa mix - $6
Bananas - $1.00
Some kind of milk product - soy, almond, rice, coconut are all choices - $2.75-3.50
Peanut butter (or any kind - almond or soy butter) - $3

1. Fill about 3/4 full with your milk product in blender or standard mason jar.
2. Add a heaping spoonful of spicy, hot cocoa mix
3. One mini banana (or half a full one)
4. Peanut butter - a spoonful

You can always add more cocoa mix to your desired taste and sweetness.

For the cost of a small $7 smoothie, doing it yourself will be a much better value!

I No Longer Care

if he drinks beer
has a job
or doesn't have a job
what he says to others

if i stay out at an event
without him
eat dinner
without him
use my toys
without him

we're no longer
together
i'm not responsible
or representing
him
and he of me

i feel lighter
and freer
there are now
new possibilities

Back to the Office

The office walls
University halls
With no windows and light
A flee or fight

A confinement of days
Monitoring your ways
Tick tock tick tock
The timing of the clock

Industrial carpet beneath your feet
Fake wood your hands meet
Office lighting above your head
The daily, small talk you dread

You mourn your time from summer now
Where did it go, then and now
Time moves on and can't look back
Summer is dead, fall is black

Ode to the End of Summer

No more bright sunny days
Instead, the four, windowless walls
Standing at a computer
Instead of standing with rocks and sand
Between my toes

Summer, I'm sorry I did not
Earlier appreciate you
I took you for granted
I thought you were just
Hotter days of fall

I fell in love
With the water
And the sound of the tides
When I would put my ear to the beach

I turned three shades darker
Not knowing how much
Browner a
Brown girl could get

I queered the beach
When people called my
Boy, son, or Mister
I let it roll of of me, like the tides

I tried reading some
But mostly failed when I fell asleep
The harsh sun was not friendly
To the pages

Thank you summer
For teaching me more
Than I have ever learned
See you next year, but earlier

Big Waves

The waves today were usually big and thunderous today. I had never seen them so large and break on the beach. I don't know much about tides, etc. But something was definitely different today. For the first time this summer, I found myself neck high in the lake. The cool water was refreshing as it's lately been sunny, hot and humid.

As the waves rolled in, I found myself jumping the waves, like I used to when I was little and my family would go to Florida. I realize I like the lake water more than the ocean. There's something claiming that Lake Michigan is bounded by land, plus - no worry about sharks.

Then, as I laid on the beach, I could still hear the waves hit against the sand. It was calming and consistent.

The Gauntlet of Crossed Legs

You enter the train and make your decision to turn left or right. You decide, only to find yourself faced with what I call, the “Gauntlet of Crossed Legs.” Typically, the women who comprise this gauntlet are clueless, because they have earbuds in. Possibly one realizes how she’s taking up space, but the others remain.

In my head, I take a breath and give out a warrior yell – “Aiyeee!” Then, I rage through the crossed legs hitting them all with no apologies. Some may give a “gruff” or a look, but others continue about their ignorance and don’t seem to care about the bump.

But, in reality, I usually wind myself around – getting to the open seat or space.

Why do I get so pissed off about this?

I think it’s because 1) crossing your legs is so gendered in the US as female, and 2) the train is public, common space and usually crowded anyway. People – please be considerate of others and share the space! People putting their feet up on the seats or using more than one seat also gets my blood to a boil.

10 Ways Not to Look Like a Tourist on the CTA (or how not to be rude)

1. Walk and stand in the middle of the train

2. Get up one stop before you have to leave

3. Don’t put your feet on the seat

4. Take up only one seat

5. Don’t put on your make up on the train

6. If you have to eat or drink, then clean up after yourself

7. Know which side the doors are going to open; I know this can be confusing, because it does change

8. If using earbuds, still be able to hear others, when they say something to you

9. Don’t try and take a bike on the CTA during the rush hours

10. Uncross your legs when someone wants to pass, whether the train is crowded or not. It’s just being polite.

"How Long Will My Soul..."

It was a night filled with many of the lesbian, bi, and queer women of Chicago. My friend and I entered the line that went around the corner of The Vic, an old music venue in the heart of the Lakeview neighborhood off the Belmont eL stop. It had been years since I went to a music concert. I felt old (for a little bit), because then I clearly saw folks older than me.

I tried to remember how I even got introduced to the Indigo Girls? College? I pictured their albums that I had on both CD and cassette tape. They were on tour because they had a new album. Had no idea, and unfortunately didn’t get to hear their new songs before the concert, but that was okay.

The concert was sold out and at first we went the first floor standing area. But, I checked out the second floor seating area and we moved up there. The vantage point wasn’t that bad, and we both liked the idea of sitting for the next three hours rather than standing.

Skimming the crowd, there were a lot more men and seemingly “straight” couples than I thought. Randomly, I saw two people I knew, and even a person I see regularly in my neighborhood up north. Various assumptions ran through my head – all I knew were probably wrong, but still stereotypically funny. Here are a few.

Assumptions of Those in Attendance at the Indigo Girls Concert

1. They do or have slept with women.

2. They are nice.

3. They are wearing Birkenstocks or sandals.

4. They care about the environment.

5. They drink beer, not wine.

6. They have two labs.

The opening act was a surprise, in that I had a CD by Michelle Malone. I probably got it years ago when I heard the Indigo Girls, also. Malone seems to open for them often. She was very country and fun. I couldn’t tell whether she was wearing cowboy boots or gardening boots.

An hour later, we then found ourselves anxiously waiting for the main attraction to begin! And soon enough, they did. They played a lot of their newer songs, but then ended with the older and more familiar ones like Galilelo and Closer to Fine. They gave one encore performance, but we couldn’t get them for a second. The lights slowly turned on and we headed for the train.