Waiting for an Apology That May Never Come

I've always thought of myself as a forgiving person. People make mistakes. They apologize. You get over it. But it's been a hard one these past few months when a family member has hurt you and not even possibly realized she made a mistake. What do you do then?

My tattoo I got over this summer

Scenario #1: You tell the person

That would seem to be the logical and most direct thing to do. "Family Member X, you have hurt me. Do you understand the consequences of this? Are you sorry?"

But why is this so hard to do?

I know for me, I (illogically) felt like she should know what she's done. She should know that she has done harm and not been grateful. Why do I need to tell her? I feel even more hurt that she's so oblivious.

Scenario #2: You don't tell the person and you continue to wait

Or, you just wait. You wait for the person to come to their senses. You wait for the person to "see the light."

Just know... this maybe futile.

So how to forgive and let go.

"I forgive you." Three seemingly simple words, but we know wars have been waged by world leaders inability for not being able to say them.

I forgive you, because...

• I need to use my time for better things.
• This is stressing me out.
• There's not a right or wrong.
• I love Mom too much to avoid her because of you.
• Not forgiving you is making me mean and and angry.
• I know you've been hurt too in the past.
• I love you.

Stuff, stuff, and more stuff!

I now have about four medium-sized boxes that contain various papers, letter, award certificates, and of course photos from my past. All of my early years of 0-24 years of age can be found in these cardboard boxes that could usually contain any number of other things. It took two trips from my hometown to Chicago to bring these boxes back in my mom's van. Then, multiple trips up to our third floor apartment. I felt like an ant making the same route back and forth carrying four times my weight.

Boxes with various letters, papers, and memorabilia

Lately, I've felt a bit of remorse for not keeping some things. My old high chair I sat in for a few years. Some band sweatshirts. A piece of wooden furniture of Ma's.

But, I just didn't have room for these. And, I'm also reminded of my own philosophy I told Mom... keep the memories; not the stuff.

This Winter Break, I'm planning on going through the boxes and taking photographs or scanning the items. It will still be a huge project. I get caught up on reading every letter. Thinking back to that person and/or experience. Fond memories. Bad memories. Weird memories. Was I really that person almost 20 years ago? Sometimes I think - I should really look that person up and say, "hey." I actually did that to an old boyfriend a few weeks ago, and while it wasn't horrible, it wasn't what I had hoped either.

A small box of letters from college

Stuff is stuff is stuff.

Let things go for the new!

Seasons Changing; So Do Clothes

It is definitely fall. I've already worn my "long janes" at least six times now. Earlier in October, I changed out my summer clothes with my winter clothes. They actually don't look that different, except my white, short sleeved t-shirts turn into my white, long sleeved t-shirts. Gray and black to follow suit. In fall and winter, I get to wear my 28x30 corduroy pants.

I always think as Chicagoans layer up for the winter (January-March), how the gendered aspect of clothing plays out. I've thought that we might become more gender-neutral as winter sets in, but then I see a fluffy pink winter coat. Or hats and mittens that are definitely "for girls."

Personally for me, I have a Land's End, medium, boy's coat that I bought at the end of their season. My hat and gloves are gender-neutral, and I'm sure they were bought on sale. I go for functionality first; fashion second. But that's just me.

The First African-American President in Real Life; But Not in the Movies

Update (3/3/13): I recently was flipping channels, and I found a sitcom depicting the First Family and they were African-American. The TV show is called "The First Family" and was created by Byron Allen. See Wikipedia link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_First_Family_(TV_series). Unfortunately, I personally didn't think the writing was that great. We'll see how it does.

Original post:

With the election of President Obama for the second term, maybe now there will be an African-American President portrayed in the cinema. I assert that the movie producers thought Obama would be a one term President, and now with his re-election, we should see more movies with a President that reflects our current reality. Or will we?

In film, there is no lack of movies that have drama and adventure with the President of the United States. And to some degree, we don't or can't quarrel that there's not an African-American President before 2008, because in reality, there hadn't been one. However, I thought the movies were always a place for going beyond reality or pushing our imagination. Here are few movie examples from the 1990s. Images from Imdb.com.

Kevin Kline in Dave (1993)

Michael Douglas in The American President (1995)

Harrison Ford in Air Force One (1997)

From the large screen to the small screen, we have NBC's The West Wing where Martin Sheen plays the President for nearly most of the series. However (spoiler), only in the last two seasons (Seasons 6, 7) does the first Latino President played by actor Jimmy Smits get his time in office.

Actor Jimmy Smits plays the first Latino President Matt Santos in The West Wing

We also can't forget the first African-American TV President from the hit TV show 24. Actor Dennis Haysbert plays David Palmer for Seasons 2 and 3; and returning for a bit in Seasons 4 and 5. Notably, Palmer plays Jack Bauer's main antagonist.

Dennis Haysbert played David Palmer, the first
African-American and person of color President on 24.

So with Obama's re-election, why do we still have NBC set to debut in January 2013, 1600 Penn with Bill Pullman??? 

Upcoming TV series on NBC with Bill Pullman

A fictitious conversation on why there's not an African-American President in films or prime time TV shows even now that Obama has been re-elected.

ME: Hello, and thanks for agreeing to this discussion.

MEDIA PEOPLE: Of course. We value your feedback as a viewer.

ME: Thanks. I am a viewer. I definitely grew up on TV as a Gen X-er. Let me get right to the point. When I was growing up, I always saw older, White, straight men as the President of the United States on TV or in the movies.

MP: Yes. This is because we've only had, umm, White men be President.

ME: Yes. I understand. But, in 2008, former IL Senator Barack Obama ran and successfully won the Presidential election. His term was for four years with the hope of another four, which just got realized last week.

MP: Yes, you are correct.

ME: As a kid, I always thought that what played on TV or in the movies could be based on reality, but had the beauty and flexibility of being more. Showing the audience... what could be even if we weren't quite there yet.

MP: Like Star Trek or Star Wars.

ME: Well, that's a little bit different. Those are science fiction genres... although we still typically have White, straight men in power - but that's a different article.

MP: It's true. What we show the American people is a balance of reality and fiction.

ME: So, do you think we can expect to see more African-American Presidents, when the TV or movie is set in today's reality? 

MP: Possibly. We're not sure if the viewing audience is ready for a Black, I mean, African-American President.

ME: Really?

MP: Really. People are finicky. They come to TV or the movies to escape. While the piece might resemble reality, people don't want reality.

ME: Really?

MP: Really.

ME: So what will it take for there to be an African-American President on TV or in a Blockbuster movie?

MP: We'd first have to find a suitable actor who can...

ME: Morgan Freeman, Denzel Washington, Chris Rock, Tyler Perry, Will Smith, Samuel L. Jackson, Jamie Foxx, Don Cheadle... Do you want more names?

MP: No, thanks.

In conclusion, there is no reason (except for ignorance and racism) that there should not be an African-American President on the small and large screen. There are plenty of superb actors. Obama will have four more years. Hollywood is not stupid. They know their power and privilege. They are just continuing the status quo in the agency they have access to.

Wait, He Doesn't Sound White?!

I was watching the local news tonight, and I heard a new voice from one of the reporter. This was different, because usually news people have the same ol' sounding voice. Like they learned this in their Master's Television Communication Diction Course 401. Basically, many of them I think sound "white," which is a whole 'nother blog entry. Anyway...

This guy was definitely not white and yes, he turns out to be of Hispanic descent. His last name is Romo. I wondered what other people watching and hearing him for the first time thought. To me, he was refreshing. He reminded me of the diversity I love in Chicago. He reminded me that no, we all don't sound the same.

Then, I wondered if someone of Asian descent would have the same luxury of sounding a little bit "Asian" on the air. I could hear the producers now... okay, you can sound a little Asian, but you have to be able to say your "l's."

What does it mean to not sound "white" in this world? How we sound is part of our identity. It goes hand in hand with the language we choose to verbally say. I thought about trying a test where I would go and visit another major, diverse metropolitan city and tune into the local news, but with a blindfold on. I would then try and guess the person's gender, race, and ethnicity.

Sure, as long as I get "the news" (and I use that term loosely), I am satisfied. But we all know that it makes a difference who is writing the story or reporting it. Our background, culture, knowledge, and experience affects everything.

I hope Mr. Romo gets to continue. I hope he develops as a top notch reporter no matter how he sounds.

The Courage of Love

Why is so difficult to tell someone you love the person? It should be a "good thing," right?! How can someone not like to hear that? But this idea of love and hurt is probably the number one topic in movies and books. It resonates with anyone. Across borders, countries, cultures, and languages.

A love story is a love story. And what if the person in love is in love with someone who cannot return the love in the manner s/he wants. That's another movie. That's an epic movie.

I want to tell my love that she can be safe with me. That I committed to her years ago when I first met her. That I love my current spouse in a totally different way, and it wouldn't be her fault if I separated. It's all on me.

Can I open this door even if I am 99% sure this is not what she wants. That I will be vulnerable and hurt, but at least I will know how she feels.

It's a gloomy day and she'll return home soon. We've gone the entire weekend visit without bringing it up. But I came to visit for this reason and even if I go home a bit tear-eyed I'll have done what I needed to do.

I need courage today. While I don't face weapons or the enemy (to say the least), I face hurt and wounds with no medic on hand.

To Be Cool or Not To Be Cool

By the end of June everyone has their A/C units in the window. Even if they don't get used, people arm themselves for the heat of the summer. For a couple of years I never had one. I would just tough it out with some fans. However, I finally broke down and got one unit after my partner wouldn't tolerate it as I did. Looking back, I don't know how I tolerated it.

I remember thinking the electric bill would be threw the roof, but it wasn't that bad.

This summer (now mid-August) we have two units and some days they have gone all day and almost into the night.

Now, I typically run cool, so in the A/C I have on a long-sleeved t-shirt and sweat pants. The comforter is on the bed from this winter. In the A/C it is so artificially cool. It's kind of weird. I think my comfort temp is 72 or 74, which is usually too warm for my partner's--- 66 or 68. However, back in the rest of the apartment is warm and humid. There's just not a good middle ground.

Sometimes I wonder what it will be like in the future (unless, of course, global warming is the end of us anyways). But in the summer, we all walk around in our individual cooling bubbles that could go on or off like a force field. We'll all be able to be "comfortable" without inconveniencing anyone else. Whoever invents this is going to make mega-bucks.