A New Outlook

It is imperative that I gain strength both physically, emotionally, and mentally. I'm coming up on my second year of PhD work in Disability Studies, and I'm also facing a major life change. As challenges come my way, I will find support in my queer and Asian American community, healthy eating, exercising, writing, photography, and reflection. I am to return back to meditation practice, workout at least four times a week, and continue to be mindful of what I eat. I will say "yes" more to my friends' invite and "no" more to the unneeded clutter in my life. It begins today - and, I welcome the challenge and opportunity.

Changing Lenses

Just like with eye glasses, one must get a new prescription ever once and a while.

It's been hard to keep up writing a blog - yes, I know. So, I'm going to change it more to photos with captions.

Hope you enjoy the images though!

Tomato, Cabbage, and Sausage

Growing up, Ma was typically the cook. But, there were a few dishes that Mom specifically cooked. One of the dishes was a tomato, cabbage, and sausage dish. I remember her making it often as a kid, and I guess I liked it. It's a sweet entree. Fairly cheap and quick to make.

Below recipe yields about 6-8 servings.
Prep time: 15 mins.
Cook time: 30 mins.

Instructions:

• One head of cabbage
• Five small tomatoes
• A meat type sausage or a meat substitute; but something that will stay together while cooking
• Small can of tomato paste
• Salt, sugar, pepper, and garlic

Cut cabbage into bite sizes pieces and place in pot with water. Cook until it starts to get soft. Then, drain. While that's cooking, cut tomatoes into small pieces. After the cabbage is drained, put tomatoes and tomato paste in. Add seasoning as desired. You can also add the meat or meat product. If it's already fully cooked - you're fine. If it's not, then cook before putting into the cabbage mix.

Cook a little bit more.

As I'm cooking in my kitchen in Chicago, I think about where Mom is now. She's recovering from a fall and will soon get out of physical rehab to go back to her assisted living apartment. I think that she'll probably never cook this dish again as her meals are prepared for her daily.

I wonder, does she miss not cooking? I know she misses her house. But, she's adapted.

Other signature dishes of Mom? 

• Wrapped grape leaves
• Baklava
• Peanut brittle
• Taffy

When a Home is a House; House is a Home

I can't believe it's been almost a year now since Mom had her major cognitive issue that began a series of events unforeseen to me. I don't know why. My two moms never married, and when Ma began her health decline, Mom took care of her until the very end. Who did I think would take care of Mom? But, somewhere in the back of my head, I remembered her saying, "Liz, I don't expect you to take care of me." I know that was a long time ago, and even Mom couldn't have seen what was ahead.

From the hospital to rehab to an assisted living apartment - all of this in the short span of about three months. And, I thought that was hard.

As we came to the realization that she would not be returning "home," which a year ago - we would mean the house on Hilltop Lane. The house that she bought in the early 70s and that my sister and I knew all of our childhood.

Her home quickly turned into a "house."

We came (or, should I say... I came) to understand that we needed to empty her home as quickly as possible so that we could do light renovations and get it on the market. This was not an easy feat. Weekend by weekend, we would spend as much time as possible at her home going through boxes and boxes of accumulation from decades of world travel. The downstairs was fairly easy. It was the "junk room" that took the longest. There were boxes within boxes, not to mention all the memories that came with the unpacking.

For those who know me, they know that I do documentary photography. They know that I too, am a "saver." But at this point in our journey, all I wanted to do was get this shit job done. It was time and emotion, that I hadn't expected for my summer of 2013. I videotaped with the Flip camera some, and I did photograph the her home in stages, but I just didn't have the energy to do it as well as I wanted.

While Mom had the junk room, I had my own hell - my bedroom closet. For some reason, I still had boxes of memories from 3rd grade. I had papers, pictures, and letters/notes. I had old boyfriends' stuff. In the evening, I would go through as much as I could (typically with a beer and internet music playing). At one point, I had to stop and bring some boxes up to Chicago. I promised my spouse that over Winter Break, Spring Break, or Summer I would get through them.

Fast forward, and I hear Mom refer what used to be her home to the house. She now calls her assisted living place - her home. I call it the brand name or the apartment. It's still hard to think of it as home, but for her sake, I'm glad she thinks of it like that.

The many bumper stickers or carved wooden signs are true. Home really is where you make it. A house is the brick and mortars. The four walls, floor, and ceiling. A home is where people live. Where people talk, cry, sleep, and eat together.

Mom has been so courageous this year. Things are still rough, but we've gotten through it. I've come to know and love my three of my cousins, my Aunt, and Uncle so much more. I appreciate more than I can ever say all that they have done for Mom and me.

Even tonight, I'm alone at her home, while she recovers in rehab from a recent fall. But, the house is on the market, and I try and stay positive that the right family will be the right match for our house; and make it their new home.

Mother/Daughter Walmart Phenomenon

Lately, I've become very conscious of a mother/daughter phenomenon at Walmart. It's the adult daughter with the mother shopping together. For me, it's my mom in a Walmart mobile shopping cart and me following close by trying to get her to move on. For others, it's the mom pushing the cart and the daughter in tow.

As I pass these pairs, I make eye contact and give a smile to one or both of the couple. To the daughter, I try and communicate - I know how you're feeling. Try and be patient and don't raise your voice.

To the mom, I try and communicate - I know this is not the kind of situation you thought you'd be in. The role reversal and the feeling of disempowerment. Yes, you are still the mom. Sometimes, you have to remind us of this.

The cart will be filled with items like Poise Pads and Depends. You're shopping at Walmart, so you know that budgets are tight, and that if you could shop other places - you would. But for now, it's Walmart.

My last trip with mom, I let her roam around without me hovering and I did some work at the in-store Subway. Trying to give her the freedom to roam at her own pace; giving me less frustration. I thought it worked out well.

There's Not a Card for That

So, I recently found out that I did not get accepted into a Ph.D. program for higher education. Yes, I'm kind of bummed out. I thought this was the right time for me both personally, professionally, and academically. I've been a practitioner now in higher ed for over 12 years, and I realized that I wanted the research practice and to offer my contributions to the academic field. I had heard that the program had gotten a lot more selective in the past few years - trying to raise its own academic reputation as well as increase its finishing rates.

As I started the application process, I found myself being "in the closet" in a way. Telling only certain people that I was applying (of course those I was requesting letters of recommendation, and even my director/supervisor once I got an interview). But, it was this weird space of... I want to tell you, but I also don't want to tell you, because then, if I don't get it - then, I'll have to tell you that I didn't get in.

However, I also wanted the support of my friends, etc. as I anxiously waited.

Then, I got the e-mail confirming... that I was not accepted. Then the official letter.

I've lately been thinking, I should throw myself a "FU (insert program name here); Their Loss" party with cake and everything. I could then ask my friends and guests where they see are my future paths, skills, and talents. Something affirming.

In a way, it's not entirely the end of the world. Not getting in made me self-reflect on really what were my reasons and intentions of grad school. I also got the experience of taking the GREs for the first time - so now I can better empathize with the undergrads I know taking them.

For those out there who also did not get accepted (and only you know who you are), loves and hugs. Remember, it's not just about you. There were other factors considered most likely out of your control. And, I'm working on on a Hallmark card for this situation like ours as you read!

Where are the Asian American Staff at UIC?

On Thursday, February 28, the UIC Chancellor's Committee on the Status of Asian Americans (CCSAA) held an Asian American Community Forum to bring awareness of various issues significantly affecting not only the Asian American (but all) students, faculty, staff, and alumni at UIC. Approximately 60 people attended with a huge turnout from students.

While there were many issues presented, one particular concerning issue that stood out to me was the severe lack of Asian American staff in student service positions. I've been at UIC for nearly eight years now, and I've always made it a point to connect and build community with other Asian American faculty and staff. When thinking about those I knew - especially in student affairs - I could count them all on two hands.

Elvin Chan of AARCC presents the dismal numbers of
Asian American staff at UIC.

During the Community Forum, Chan presented the numbers from 2010 data (2012 data will soon be released). It was unacceptable, horrifying, and depressing. My feelings soon went into anger and frustration of WHY?

Some brainstorming of why there aren't more Asian American staff in student service positions:

• There is still not a solid pipeline for undergrads to understand student affairs work as a career.
• Lack of mentoring for Asian American staff
• 'Asian American Glass Ceiling' effect for those few who are working in student affairs; not being promoted; thus, leaving the field
• More and more, colleges and universities are pushing industry-specific career paths due to economy; for example, major in K-12 education, so you can be a teacher. Student affairs careers have always had the challenge of - what is the major for student affairs? It usually comes from your student leadership in co-curricular activities and then, if you're lucky, an entry level first job at a higher ed institution. Or maybe, you'll enter an M.Ed graduate program.
• Lack of tracking with data. I now would LOVE to know the data from multiple years. Let's go back to 2000. Then, we need to make this public in a number of spaces with strategic planning for changing these numbers.
• People don't see the need for Asian American staff, because they don't count Asian Americans in race and diversity issues. This is still part of the Model Minority Myth that continues today.
• People think there aren't Asian American staff for this job pool - wrong. By doing a national search with target marketing with Asian American communities and/or being open to Asian Americans from other fields with transferable skills, there will be qualified candidates.

This is a human resources and diversity issue. It is also a retention, recruitment, and graduation issue for students. From the Forum, it was clear, that the sentiment is not that just because there is an Asian American staff person, all Asian American students will be funneled to them. No. However, some to many students might. And even, some to many non-Asian American students will also gain great advice from them due to the other skills, talents, and experiences.

Until now, I've never been an active participant of the CCSAA, but this issue has made me want to be involved. If you want to be involved, I welcome you to join me. CCSAA meets the first Wednesday of every month during the academic year.