Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Oh, Those Childhood Christmas Memories


Christmas tree with decorations, a star, and presents

As a kid, I have a number of Christmas memories. Definitely one of middle-class privilege.

On Christmas Eve, we'd get dressed up (which I came to despise) and go to church down the street. I never understood why we had to wear our "fancy" clothes, which meant frilly dresses and hair bows. Even though the church was close by, we would whine about how cold it was still in the van. Ma or Mom would remind us that the temperature needed to raise up.

Church would be filled with a brief sermon, but mostly holiday carols by the choir. We also would have small individual candles. One year, one of our hair caught on fire from the candle and due to our long, black hair. I'd never smelled burning hair before that. We'd see our school friends also all dressed up and looking forward to presents.

Either before or after church, we would drive around different neighborhoods and look at the lights. We would do our neighborhood, and then if there was time - go the "right" neighborhood of Geist. Surely, they would have even better lights. And they did.

Then, we'd come back home and change into our pajamas, which were usually matching and we had gotten to open the night before. Ma would make hot cocoa for us. Then, we'd come down to the living room to open the presents we had wrapped for each other. We each took turns so we could see what each other got and Mom could take photos. At the end, we'd gather up all the Christmas wrapping trash. Maybe we'd open the things and put in the batteries of things that needed batteries. Then, up we go to bed so Santa (i.e., Ma and Mom) could do their work.

For most of our childhood we had a real tree. Ma and Mom would go to a tree farm and get one fresh. We would use the metal tree stand/bucket that my Grandfather made. Kim and I would have to take turns water the tree so it wouldn't get dry and thus the lights start a fire. (These were the cautionary tales I heard as a kid.)

We've been told we were pretty good kids. We wouldn't sneak out of bed or anything like that. Often, Ma and Mom would have to yell to get us up, because we were still in bed and sleepy. But eventually, we'd make our way downstairs. We'd have to wait on the landing of the stairs until Mom was ready with her camera. Then, when she was ready, we could go down the hallway and into the living room to see the Santa presents and also get our stockings, which often turned out to be a big present in and of itself.

The stocking - in our house - not only had candy, but a variety of pragmatic toiletries. A new toothbrush, cotton balls, toothpaste, and anything else small and slender that could fit. Peanuts with the shell were used as filler along with the holiday candy.

By noon, we had moved to the dining room and put all of our candy in a large, metal bowl. I'm sure Ma made something for Christmas Day lunch. I love you Ma and Mom. Thanks for all the Christmas-es you gave us.

We had a great Christmas as kids. We got many presents and Ma and Mom really did want us to have what they didn't have when they were little. I think they really loved shopping and giving. And as much as I'm sure I loved the toys and material things, now as an adult, I find it hard to think of really anything  I would want. Sure, there'd be some small little things or books, but even those things, I know I could do without. As an adult and as someone who is trying to pair down and simplify, I would much rather enjoy time with friends and families with a movie, theater, or art exhibit. Making breakfast or brunch - and just hanging out.


Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Breakfast light, well, kind of

image of a black plate with crumbs from a waffle; a silver fork and knife rest diagonally on the plate; table is dark brown with placemats with a white/black/gray design


I love the morning light that comes in the dining room in the apartment.
Well, I should rephrase, it's more like the early afternoon light
About 1 or 2 p.m.
It's light enough but still with enough contrast to have shadows.

Today, I had my camera out and decided to take a few pictures of the things around me.
The photo above was my finished breakfast plate - cinnamon waffles, crumbs, fork, and knife.
It's from my vantage point of where I usually sit at the table.
Near the heater.
By the window.
The kitchen light behind me.
The standing light to the back right.

This is the place where I studied most of the time.
When I didn't want to be standing at my desk.

green ivy outlines the window frame sweeping from the upper left downward and across the bottom of the picture frame; the outside courtyard is blurred


This photo of the ivy is what I see to my left. I played with the f-stop to get what I wanted. Still to see outside, and not have the background be blown out white from the strong light. The ivy now looks such like a rich and dark green.

I usually don't do a lot of still life photography. To me, I miss the people in the photo. The human part. However, I'm coming to understand that the still life images do still have the people and human aspect. There are still traces of the people who live here - myself and my current spouse.





Sunday, December 20, 2015

it's not a heart attack


image of a life=like heart against a white background


it's not a heat attack
maybe a heart ache
a heart sadness
but I'm doubtful it's
anything to do with veins and arteries

possibly a pulled muscle
or stress
but no shortness of breath
or pain in the arm
like you see in the movies

i've felt it before
i try and keep track
when i feel it

is it when i'm sad
stressed
lonely
angry

i wouldn't blame my heart
to ache once and awhile
it deserves to feel that way

the heart does not look
like the commercialized
red and symmetrical
heart we know 
from the cards and candies

to me, the heart looks
icky and odd
something you can hold in your hand
but globular and dark purple

pumping blood
in and out
to the rest of your body
the place where i used to
place my hand on
during the pledge of allegiance 
or the raising of the flag

haven't done that for awhile
not since i was a kid at least

is it sad because of our
upcoming parting ways?
is it angry because
of the untenable situation
with mom?
is it aching because 
there seems so often to be
no relief in sight?

how did it feel when i ran
my first 5K
the last mile 
the last 1/2 mile
the last 1/4 mile 
was the hardest

i pushed my body 
more than i ever had
and i thought if i die now
at least it would be for a 
good cause

will finding a new love
help my heart
they say people have actually died
from a broken heart
i can believe it

but mine is not quite broken
more hurt and in need for
recovery and healing

Aldis, Ma, and Canned Goods

Aldi logo

I first remember hearing about Aldis (yes- the real name is Aldi, but somehow people add the "s," and I'm not the only one) from Ma when I was little. Aldis was the place where Ma went to get cheap canned goods. We had to bring a quarter for the carts and also we had to go during the daylight, because they were in the "not so good" neighborhoods of Indianapolis. Looking back, this was code for poor and probably black neighborhoods.

Ma would stock up on things like canned corn, canned green beans, and maybe some other things that come in a jar. As a kid, I didn't understand how we'd put in a quarter for the cart, and then be able to get it back at the end. This was not the culture at the "other" grocery stores - like Kroger or Marsh. I don't remember bringing our own bags, so we probably used one of their cardboard boxes or maybe sucked it up and bought the 10 cent bag.

Now in my adult life, Aldis is a regular trip for me (between also Trader Joe's and a Morse Market). I smile when I see the German phrases on the frozen food cabinet, "Ziehen, sich an" or "Druecken." I wonder if the other customers know of the German heritage of Aldis? You just don't see a lot of German now in Chicago. (I was a German major in college and had studied German since 6th grade - so I have a fondness toward the culture and language.)

Today, I went to Aldis because we were drastically low on toilet paper, and I also wanted to get some chocolate and candy for Christmas. It was a busy Sunday afternoon. Nearly all the carts were gone, but I got lucky and had one. I spent more than I had expected - 100% maple syrup, three packages of TP, mini-chocolate bars, almond milk, and Christmas candy. It adds up fast.

I think of Ma and wonder if she's smiling down from me. Knowing that she had introduced me to Aldis way back when. And now what might have been the audience for lower socio-economic class, one finds college kids and the middle class shopping along next to each other. One sees familiar faces and new faces (you can tell, because they didn't bring their own bags nor a quarter).

I love you, Ma for so many reasons. And just one of them was that you took me to Aldis.